I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
