In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
