At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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