nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
