Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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