I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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