I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
