I can text with my tongue
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
