dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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