And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
