Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
