So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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