I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
