If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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