so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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