i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
