You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize