my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
