I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
