apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
