She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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