Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I want a musical about memes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
