we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
