god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
where are you?
Hypothermia
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
