I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
