I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
