Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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