Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
