We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
