I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
