So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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