I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
