thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize