I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
