i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
