Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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