hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
