I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
