its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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