So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
