I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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