I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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