This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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