yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize