i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
