i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
