i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
