I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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