Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
