Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize