i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
