I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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