did you get engaged???
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
