i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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