Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
