holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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