i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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