Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
