Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
