Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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