Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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